I never expected to get this far

“My current situation is not my final destination”

* There is talks of mental health, suicide and drug abuse within this blog post – so please be careful when reading *

If someone told me 6 years ago that I would be alive I would’ve probably laughed at them and told them “probably not” – it was something I used to do often, I fantasied over death and I was determined to not make it past the age of 16 because I was mentally in a really low place and I couldn’t imagine life getting any better.

Yesterday I was on the train to London when I thought “I never imagined being here, I haven’t got any plans with my life because I never imagined being here and all of the opportunities that I have been given is because I dedicated my time to help and change the lives of others when once, I couldn’t even change my own life and habits.

6 years ago on the 8th of July I wrote a suicide note, I posted it on twitter and I was on the verge of ending my life – I was in a deep depression, I was hurting myself constantly and my family knew nothing about it – until that night. We had a knock on the front door at 2am and it was the police – they were concerned for my safety as somebody in Australia had rung the police –  I’m still unsure as to who that person was, but whoever you are, if you ever scroll across this blog post I am grateful for you, you saved me at my lowest point and you made me see sense – thank you. After that day I became lost even more, I didn’t want to accept help but I went into therapy, I struggled massively to cope without anything and I was severally broke until 5 years ago.

5 years ago today I was probably as high as a kite sitting in the middle of a field blocking out everything that I needed to block out – I did do drugs and i’m sometimes to scared to open up about it in case those around me see me in a different way. I did drugs for a year straight – almost everyday I’d be high on anything that we had at the time and those who are close to me now will know that I refuse to take something as simple as a paracetamol tablet because I’m petrified in case I become addicted to them or I use them for all of the wrong reasons. I saw friends collapse from taking drugs, I saw friends spiral out of control, I saw friends become totally different people – and I’m thankful that I managed to get out of that when I did.

4 years ago I got assaulted by a “friend” because I am transgender, I got death threats online of a transgender person online because I wasn’t “trans enough to be trans” because I hadn’t physically transitioned. So I emailed Fixers UK to see if I could do a campaign with them – I had gone through years of bullying, discrimination, death threats, drug abuse, mental health issues and harassment so I wanted to end that – I wanted to show people that I am a human and that all transgender individuals deserve equal rights.

3 years ago my Fixers project had exploded – it blew up huge. I was seeing my posters in local schools, local youth clubs, in universities, in colleges and in random places – people were finally talking about transgender individuals in a positive way. My ITV piece had just aired on ITV Wales and I had so many positive messages of transgender individuals within Newport and I can say that those people to this day are now my friends. In the last three years I have achieved so much – I have been to Buckingham Palace to witness awards being given out to some spectacular young people from across the UK, I have spoken in front of 40,000+ people at different events throughout the UK, I got the opportunity to share my story on BBC Radio 1 and more importantly – I’ve helped raise positive awareness on the transgender community.

On Tuesday I got to visit 10 Downing street for the Prime Ministers Pride Celebrations where I was surrounded by key LGBT+ campaigners, CEO’s, pride organisers and civil servants. I was once in a place where I never imagined doing anything like the stuff I have done, I never imagined writing a blog, I never imagined going to university, I never imagined having the most supportive friends and family around me and I never imagined helping others.

I don’t do this for myself – I do this for future generations and the current generations to ensure that they never go through what I have been through – Nobody deserves to get beat up for being who they are, nobody deserves death threats on a daily basis, nobody deserves to be in an educational setting where they are told that who they are isn’t normal – I want my little sisters generation to be who they are in peace, I want future generations to look at 2018 and think “We wouldn’t be able to do this without the help of thousands of people standing up” and I want to be 90, sat in a care home telling the workers about how crap we was treated and them be as shocked as I was when I heard about what Hitler did in the 1940’s. I just hope we can reach a stage where everybody within the LGBT+ community can live freely and openly without any struggles or issues.

I just want to help one person – that is all I want to do, and if I manage to help more than one person then its a miracle.

I have started a Just Giving page to help me with the costs of my top surgery. I am currently saving up every penny I have, I am working part time in McDonald’s and I am also in university so money is already extremely tight for me. Over the last year my mental and physical state has gone downhill due to me binding and having moobs – I wear my binder for 15 hours a day because I am so self conscious and that is putting extreme pressure on my back and upper body. So far I have saved up £2,000 and altogether I need around £7,500 (For the surgery, hotel costs and transport costs). If you could spare any sort of change – it would honestly mean the world to me and I promise I will repay the favour at a later date. You can check out my Just Giving page here.

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