TRIGGER WARNING SO PLEASE LOOK WITH CARE.
Every time someone talks about suicide it sends shivers up my spine and makes me feel very emotional. I have tried to take my life on several occasions, but thankfully I can say that I haven’t tried to in 2 years.
At a young age I faced a variety of different difficulties which included threatening to end my life at the age of 11, my dad walking out on me at the age of 13, my relationship’s with my family breaking down, I was battling my own demons, I was getting severally bullied on a day to day basis and I didn’t know who I was. Self harm, Suicidal thoughts, Over eating, Under eating and Suicide attempts became a normal thing in my early teenage years. One memory that sticks in my mind is whilst at CAMHS (Child and adolescent mental health services) and my mum said “I’m too scared to go into his room on a night in case he isn’t with us anymore” and that’s what kept me going.
When I was going through depression at the age of 13 nobody took it serious, everybody thought it was attention seeking, But really I was slowly dying. On the 8th of July 2012 I tried to end my life, I was 14 years old. I had taken tablets and self harmed and then drifted off to sleep. I left this note which said:
“Dear friends/family/school mates/people on twitter, I seriously cannot cope no more, No one knows about the issues I have been facing but I guess you’ll know now and mum I love you please stay strong for Ruby and tell her how I was an amazing sister to her and how much I loved her because she’s too young to remember me. Katie you’re my big sister and I LOVE YOU that’s all I have to say to you. Ruby you’re my baby girl even if you don’t remember me I’ll always be your shadow everywhere you go </3. *Inserts birth name* needs to do this but you’ll understand. This is dad’s fault that I’m doing this </3.
To Chloe, Tara, Ffion I love you girls, I wish you so much luck for the future.
To Chelsea you’re my little cousin but more like my mum! You’ll get through everything I promise you.
Vikki, Jacob, Phil and Ella you’re the most amazing family members ever. I hope you remember me and you’ll tell Ella about me, Don’t be upset Auntie Vikki this is a reason and you know what it is.
I always seemed happy? no, I never, I’ve cut everyday because I’m a failure and not wanted. I would like to have bright colors at my funeral with ‘who you are’ as my song.
I love you, You’re all beautiful and amazing.”
If I could go back in the past I would tell myself that it will all be okay, You just have to hold on. Thankfully I am still alive, but this is honestly because of my family and my friends.
I know suicide seems like an easy option, but honestly it’s not worth it in the long run. Life has its ups and downs and some days are worse than others, but in the end everything will be perfect. Somebody out there cares about you, even if its just me. Suicide isn’t worth the pain. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, YOU ARE HANDSOME, YOU ARE AMAZING, YOU ARE LOVELY, YOU ARE WORTHY, YOU ARE KIND, YOU DESERVE TO HAVE A LIFE.
Warning signs of suicide:
- Talking about suicide or death in general
- Talking about “going away”
- Talking about feeling hopeless or feeling guilty
- Pulling away from friends or family
- Losing the desire to go out
- Having no desire to take part in favorite activities
- Having trouble concentrating or thinking clearly
- Experiencing changes in eating or sleeping habits
- Engaging in self-destructive behavior like self harm, drinking alcohol or drug taking.
What should you do if someone you know is threatening to commit suicide?
If you have a friend who is talking about suicide or is showing any warning signs, don’t wait to see if he or she starts to feel better. Talk about it. Most of the time, people who are considering suicide are willing to discuss it if someone asks them out of concern and care.
Some people are reluctant to ask an individual if they have been thinking about suicide or hurting themselves. That’s because they’re afraid that by asking they may plant the idea of suicide. This is not true, But it is always a good thing to ask.
Starting the conversation with someone who you think may be considering suicide helps in many ways. First, it allows you to get help for the person. Second, Just talking about it may help the person feel less alone, less isolated and more cared about and understood. The opposite of the feelings that may have led to suicidal thinking to begin with. Lastly talking may provide a chance to consider that there may be another solution.
Asking someone if he/she is having thoughts about suicide can often be difficult. Sometimes it helps to let your friend know why you are asking.
Listen to your friend without judging and offer reassurance that you’re there and you care. If you think your friend is in immediate danger stay close, just ensure that she/he isn’t left alone!
Even if you have sworn to secrecy and you feel like you’ll be betraying your friend if you tell, you should still get help. Share your concerns with an adult you trust as soon as it is possible!. You can also call 999 for help if needed.
“Every 40 seconds someone kills themselves. Every 41 seconds a persons world is shattered into a million pieces”.