In the last year I have been slowly giving up with everything and everybody around me. I have distanced myself from my friends, my family, my hopes and my dreams.
Since my jaw surgery last year my depression has spiraled out of control to the point where I could barely get out of bed on a morning and where I didn’t want to be seen alive. When my depression gets out of hand I usually just sleep, simply because I cannot feel anything, I don’t think anything and all I’m doing is laying there lifeless, but I’m alive.
Over the last 5 years I have tried to end my life on countless occasions and I’ve harmed myself so to myself, I know I am a risk to relapsing at any moment in time. Even though I don’t want to relapse I know that there is still a small chance. Recently I have been wanting to take my life again and just leave this planet because I have no hope at all. I’ve been wanting to hurt myself and perform my own “top surgery” so I could remove my breasts and be as flat chested as I possibly can. But in reality I cannot do these things, I cannot bear the thought of hurting and upsetting other people around me.
In May I went to my doctors and told them about feeling depressed, not being able to sleep or eat and they prescribed me anti-depressants, but unfortunately these don’t solve all of my issues. Yes I am depressed, But I need someone professional to talk too and once again I am too scared to ask for the help, It took me 5 years to speak up about my depression so asking for a therapist is going to take me a while.
I cannot imagine myself being alive in 5 or 10 years’ time. I cannot imagine myself having a family, a good job or my own home. Surly that is saying something right?
My dysphoria has been high as well, I am constantly feeling like people are looking at my chest. I am constantly getting misgendered. I am constantly getting told that I’ll always be a little girl. And worst of all, I don’t look like a boy. When will I be the boy I was born as? When will I be able to recognise myself? When will I like what I see in the mirror? When will I feel normal and happy?
I have to keep fighting, you have to keep fighting Alex. It can only get better right?