LGBT, Mental health, mtf, throwback

Dear Dad….

Daddy, Remember when you’d take me to work with you? we’d drive to different places around England and enjoy every moment with each other. You’d always buy me a burger and a can of coke of burger vans and you’d always buy me Doctor Who cards to add to my collection. Remember that?

Daddy, Remember every weekend we’d both cuddle up on the sofa and watch Doctor Who without a fail? You’d have a glass of beer and without a fail i’d drink the white foam off the top of it to make sure it was just right for you!. Remember that?

Daddy, Remember when we’d both walk down to the stadium and you’d take me swimming? We’d be swimming for hours on end having so much fun. Then on the way back home you’d take my to the top to ensure that i had my Doctor Who magazine and cards. Remember that?

Daddy, Remember when i always wanted to be like you? I always wanted to have a perfect family, I wanted to be a loving parent, I wanted to own a van and travel around the country just like you did. I made sure everybody around me knew that you was my role model. Remember that?

Daddy, Remember when you moved out of the house? I always used to put your plate on the table to make sure you came over for tea, even though mum never wanted you around. I loved it when i saw you at tea time, even though it was just an hour or so!. Remember that?

Unfortunately dad, these aren’t all of the memory’s I remember. Daddy, Remember when we was in Poundland and you mentioned that i looked ‘fat’ in my new shirt? I do.

Daddy, Remember when we went swimming and you stood on me whilst i was fighting to breath under the water? You may have thought it was a joke, But it was the most scariest days of my life. Remember that?

Daddy, Remember when i came over your girlfriends house and you kept on being with her and never said a word to me. I felt so invisible, unwanted and worthless. Remember that?

Daddy, Remember when you called me an attention seeker because i was harming myself? You was one of many triggers that made me want to do it. Remember that?

Daddy, Remember when we was supposed to go to Turkey on holiday? But in actual fact you took your girlfriend, her kids and yourself and left me behind…that was the last time i saw you. Remember that?

Daddy, Remember when you chased me around Cwmbran and threatened to kill me? Ever since that day i am so scared to walk around on my own, i’m constantly panic and whenever i see you i just freeze. Remember that?

Daddy, Remember when you walked past me last week and stared at me for 3 minutes straight? Yes it is me, Yes it is your child. Remember that?

I can honestly say I still don’t understand why my father left me, But there must be a reason which i am dying to know! It’s been 4 years now, possibly the most heart-breaking and hard four years of my life, But i have come out of this stronger!

My father has missed out on my GCSE’s, My surgery’s, my heartbreaks, my bad days, my good days, my prom, starting school. But my father still doesn’t know that he has a son. I have tried to message him on several occasions but nothing has happened.

I am my fathers only son and he’s missing out. In the near future i hope he can realize this and i hope it hurts him as much as it has hurt me!

I just hope you’re having a good life daddy….


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