On the 8th of July 2012 i was 14 years old. I remember this day so well simply because it was one of the worst and heart breaking nights of my life…During the day of the 8th of July my sister Katie was staying over my house and my mum went out to the shops. My sister was having a cigarette in the back garden and i threw my shoe at her…and it landed on the roof (well done Alex!). So i had to climb out on this roof and grab my shoe and my sister took these pictures:
During this period in my life i was really depressed. I wasn’t going to school, i wasn’t socializing, i didn’t have a clue who i was and why i felt the way i did, i was self harming on a daily basis, i wasn’t eating, i wasn’t looking after myself and i felt really suicidal…
I remember during the day i self harmed really badly and spent the whole night up in my bedroom crying and wanting to die and my sister let me borrow her brand new beats headphones and i was listening to ‘Who you are – Jessie J’ for at least 2 hours and just bawling my eyes out. The thoughts running through my mind was ‘ill never be okay’ ill never be normal’ ‘i shouldn’t feel this way’ ‘i am better off dead’ and so on!
I had these tablets from the doctor to help ease my stomach pain and it hid them under my bed and there was about 50 in there and i was going to take them all, but i chickened out and only took about 10 because i thought that would be enough to help. I left a ‘suicide note’ (which i don’t want to publish as its very personal).
I remember waking up at 2am to my sister telling me that the police where there and they wanted to speak to me (a friend was worried about me and called the police). So i went down stairs, my mum looked heart broken and my sister was in so much shock. I asked them to leave the room whilst the police woman and man spoke to me. In actual fact i remember my mother knew the officers because they knew my father (all of the police officers that i have met know my family for some strange reason). They spoke about why i wanted to end my life and how many tablets i had taken (i refused to tell them how many) and they wanted to see my arms, which to me was a massive ‘no you’re not seeing my arms’ but in the end the police woman pulled up my sleeve and ended up seeing them. I can’t remember what they said exactly but they said i had to see a therapist to ‘get better’ and if i ever felt like doing it again i had to contact them.
I was this sad, lonely, upset, depressed, angry, suicidal, worthless 14 year old teenager with nothing left to live for…But that’s what i thought at the time!
My life changed after that happened, my family became more aware of my illness and yes they were angry, but they started to understand. My Auntie patched me up when i was hurt, My mum took me to therapy and my sister got me out of the house. I remember this one day in therapy my mum said ‘I am scared of going into his room on a night just in case he isn’t here anymore’ and since that day…I knew i had to get better.
3 Years down the line my life isn’t 100% okay, but i’m on the long and hard journey of getting better! During the last three years i have conquered my fears, i have jumped over hurdles, i have fallen down multiple times but i have been so determined to stand back up again and try my god damn hardest, because i’m not giving up just yet!!!
On the 20th of February 2013 i came out as transgender, i remember this day as if it was yesterday and that bloody scares me! I remember trying to pick the name Alex or Charlie, I remember trying to figure out how i was going to tell my family and my friends. It was such a confusing and upsetting time for me, but i can honestly say if i didn’t come out when i did, i wouldn’t of been able to survive much longer. I’m super thankful for those people who have stood by me since day one!
On the 20th of July 2013 I self harmed for the final time and since that day i haven’t hurt myself on purpose. I have had triggers and urges but i’m so determined to kick ass and get so much better, because my body doesn’t deserve the pain and i’m so much stronger than it.
During 2015 i have been working with Fixers to create my transgender awareness poster and i have been on ITV news and my poster has been put up in several different businesses!
During my GCSE’s in 2014 i got told that i would get E’s in my exams…but it turns out that i walked away with four distinction stars (A*’S), 4 passes (C), 2 C’s, 2 D’s and 2 G’s which was a massive and proud achievement of mine because i never thought id get the grades that i achieved!
This year i officially came out to ALL of my family members as transgender! over 2 years it has taken me and i am finally here! My family are slowly starting to get to grips with it and they are getting pretty awesome with my name and male pronouns. They are the most supportive family members that i could ever ask for!
The 9th of December 2014 i legally became Alex Jones which was AMAZING!!!!
I have admitted that i need help and on the 12th of June this year i went to the doctors about my depression and finally got medication and the correct sort of treatment that i need, so hopefully one day i will feel happiness and alive (and i shall look forward to that day)
On the 18th of September i turn 18 which is absolutely crazy…I remember being 11 years old saying that i didn’t want to be alive and now look at me? i’m becoming an adult! I’ve proved young Alex wrong!
I’m still young, i have dreams, i have goals and i have a long life ahead of me and i am so determined to fight, because i know one day i will get there!
If you or anybody else that you know is suffering with suicidal thoughts contact the following people for help and advice, but more importantly remember that your worth it and one day it will all be okay!
Emergency Services – 999