The decision on whether to stay unhappy forever or accept who I am.

Coming out as transgender has possibly been one of the most hard thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. At the time I had millions of thoughts, i thought ‘will I get hurt?’ ‘Will people still love me?’ ‘Will people still want to be my friend?’ ‘Will my family disown me?’ Because I knew, that being transgender is such a negative thing in this society and I was petrified that I’d either get hurt, disowned or bullied really badly.
Before I came out I knew I was transgender in the summer of 2012, but I was too scared to even come out and tell people. I kept it all inside and refused to except the fact that it was who I was, I was in so much denial and I refused to even let myself know. I came out as a lesbian in September/October of 2012 because I knew I liked girls and I thought that was who I was and I thought it would make my dysphoria go away and the self hatred that I had towards myself go away. But this didn’t help at all, it was just getting worse and worse. In January 2013 I was finally allowed to have my hair cut super short (with persuading) and I did and damn, I had this little weight lifted off my shoulders, I could pass as a boy, but people didn’t know that I felt this way, everybody just assumed that I was a ‘butch lesbian’.
During February 2013 I was having a really rough time trying to battle my demons and slowly my self harm started to get worse, I hated myself, I hated my Body and my dysphoria was twice as worse, I started to neglect looking after myself and I honestly didn’t know what to do. On the 19th of February I told my best friend Kirsten how I felt and that I was transgender and I wanted to be known as Alex and as a male and the way she reacted made me feel so much better and accepted that I thought I might as well tell everybody else. The next day I got my best friend Gemma about how I felt and she automatically clicked on straight away using male pronouns, called me Alex and that’s were I’ve been ever since!
My ‘coming out’ with everybody else in school and my friendship group took a little longer, maybe a couple of months but by the beginning of may 2013 my friends and everybody in school knew that I was transgender. I got bullied quiet a lot. I got told to kill myself, I got called a tranny, I got called worthless. But on top of this, I was slowly starting to become happy and I started to recover from self harm. I wasn’t angry anymore, I wasn’t upset, I wasn’t isolated, I was being myself!
One of the biggest regrets I have had with coming out is that I didn’t actually tell my mum, my mum somehow found out and she was very very annoyed with that which I can understand. I didn’t sit her down and say ‘mum I’m transgender’ someone else told her that and it breaks my heart to this day knowing that I didn’t exactly trust her. I didn’t tell her because I was/still am petrified that she’ll walk out on me and disown me, I don’t know why I feel this way but it’s just a major fear.
In September 2013 mum found out that I was transgender and I’m still not 100% sure on how she felt, but it must of been very upsetting for her. It took her over a year to understand and now she’s brilliant with it, she calls me Alex, male pronouns, her son to other people and it’s amazing. My auntie calls me her nephew and my family are very accepting, which I’m extremely thankful for.
Yes coming out was a risk and was upsetting but it was definitely worth it, if I didn’t come out I don’t know if I’d still be around today. So I’m very thankful!

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